Feminist, Fictionista, Foodie, Francophile

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Is it too late to get a fake ID?

As I was reading a college comedy this a.m. that featured hijinks involving a fake ID, I had a pang of regret. I never had a fake ID. Never really needed one. I never developed a taste for beer (although Dos Equis' Buena Nocha seasonal brew is pretty damn tasty and unfortunately no longer imported to the US) and if I had a taste for the favorite cocktail of Duke undergrads (Southern Comfort and 7-Up) the ingredients were readily available in the dorm pantry. Even with a fake ID I'm not sure I could have carried "over 21" off. (The last time I was carded, I was out with my brother having Mexican food. I was 33.  It was a bright moment and now a faded memory.) I wish I'd gotten a fake ID now. It feels like a rite of passage I missed out on.  If I'd known I would end up writing dark fiction for fun and  profit, I would definitely have bought one.
Which reminds me.
My mother was one of the most strait-laced people I've ever known. She could be a little school-marmy about it, but she was raised to be a proper Southern woman and despite some strenuous efforts at achieving escape velocity from the remnants of her upbringing, she remained ladylike to her dying day. (She would have been horrified when I chased an orderly out of her room the night before she died, telling him if he came back I would kill him.  Seriously, it was two in the morning and he was there to take her vital signs, even though she was already in a coma and would die two hours later. I am not a polite Southern lady despite my mother's best efforts.)
But the point is... my mother probably never did a dishonest thing in her life, much less a criminal thing.
The last year I lived at home, my sister was in college and my brother was in his last year of law school. Our mother's best friend had been diagnosed with a really nasty, fast-moving kind of cancer. She was on heavy-duty pain meds and they weren't helping the nausea from the chemo.  My mother came up with the idea of buying marijuana and sending it to her but wondered aloud at the dinner table where she might find such a product. Without hesitation we all spoke up with suggestions about where marijuana could be bought and then stopped as she gave us the evil eye.
"So I've heard," I added, which was true. I've never smoked pot in my life.
"Mailing marijuana is a felony," my brother added, which I thought was a nice bit of deflection.
My sister got up to get more iced tea.
In the end, she didn't buy the weed.
And in the end--and this is true--her friend went into remission and was ultimately declared cancer free after joining a church run by a charismatic young preacher.
My mother died two years later of lung cancer; her friend is still alive.
Life is funny and unpredictable.
Next time I'll get the fake ID.


  1. Oh, yikes. Lying about your age to get into parties, clubs, or get drinks isn't a felony. Making a fake ID *is* a felony. Pretty sure it's a felony because of the risks associated with theft, terrorism, infiltration, etc. It seems romantic and exciting to get one in college, but it's just not worth it.

    As my youth group leader (a very funny, off-the-wall guy) told us: "You get arrested at a party, remember, you have one phone call. You CAN call your parents. They'll be mad, but the worst penalty is usually a fine. Or you can just call me. If you use a fake ID, that's a felony offense, so don't bother calling me because you're f***ed. Or here's a better idea. How about you just NOT make a fake ID because I know you all are smarter than that."

    And then I went to Mexico where the legal drinking age is 18 and we didn't have to worry about these things. :) Back in the States now and I'm still sulking about it...

  2. Yeah, I'm mostly just pondering the concept. I was the most boring college student ever. I was working my way through school and one of my jobs was the concierge of my dorm. I took all the weekend and night shifts because they paid better, so there was no partying on the weekends. I was also trying to get out of college a semester early (because I was paying for my own education), so there wasn't much partying on weeknights either. I wasn't much of a drinker then and still am not. (I do enjoy a Margarita now and again but I actually can't remember the last time I had a drink. So I guess all in all, not having that fake ID was a good thing. I had no idea it was a felony