Cranky Pants Rant for Saturday

As I have mentioned (more than a few times), I love Craig's List. I check in on the listings for LA/NY/Chicago several times a day and I answer any writing jobs/gigs ads that look interesting. And while I have to earn a living, I also like to have fun so if a job that doesn't pay anything sounds intriguing, I'll answer the ad.  (This drives certain people in my life absolutely bonkers.)

Lately, there have been a lot of job offers out there for people who want a ghost-writer to finish a book that's "in pieces" and "not yet written down."  And that's okay, if a "writer" wants to hire someone to transcribe their thoughts, organize them and then "flesh them out," and they can find someone to do that, God love them both.  But the thing is, these writers who have imagined how great their books will be, as soon as they're written, are always in a rush.  ("Must be done by first of September.")  Well, okay--they want their book out there before the Christmas rush. Understandable.

But here's where I don't quite get their logic.  On the one hand they'll say, "Great gig for college students or stay-at-home moms" and on the other they'll request the following:  Sign a non-disclosure agreement, provide three references, provide links to your books.  MUST HAVE PUBLISHED A BEST SELLER. 

First of all--references?  What, from three people who read your book and liked it?  Must have published a best seller.  I am not exaggerating for effect. I have seen that phrase.  More than once.

And the ads always contain misspellings too...

Sigh.

More Praise for Women Crime Writers

It may surprise people who know my fiction that I really have a taste for "cozies." I am very fond of the "Hamish Macbeth" series by M.C. Beaton (aka Marion Chesney). A new one is coming out next February and I can't wait. Oddly enough, I really don't like her "Agatha Raisin" books.  They're just a little bit too "twee" for me.

I am a huge fan of Ellis Peters (aka Edith Pargeter) who wrote under half a dozen pseudonyms (some of them male) and wrote dozens of books.  She was also known as a scholar and a translator. Before I knew her as the author of the Brother Cadfael novels, I had read her "Brothers of Gwynedd" quartet, brilliant historical fiction.  In addition to almost 20 novels about Cadfael,  former Crusader-turned-monk, she wrote 13 novels featuring Inspector George Felse. I have not yet had the pleasure of reading those and look forward to it.

In Praise of Women Crime Writers

I am a member of the LA branch of Sisters in Crime (SinC) although I think I'm currently behind on my dues. I love the organization for the warm welcome they gave me and for the sense of community they provide. They're celebrating their 25th anniversary next month at Bouchercon and while I can't be there, I CAN participate in their blog challenge in praise of women crime writers.  (If you want to participate yourself, get the info here.)

Sharyn McCrumb's  "Appalachian Ballad" novels feature a recurring cast of characters (wonderful characters), stories that combine a crime in the past with one in the present, and a lovely sense of place. My favorite is probably  The Rosewood Casket.  She also writes a series about a character named Elizabeth McPherson, which is totally different in style.

Five more authors I recommend:  Kelli Stanley (who has two series going, one set in ancient Rome, one set in 1940s San Francisco); Carol O'Connell (her series heroine Kathy Mallory compares very favorably to Lisbeth Salander, if you liked The Millennium Trilogy, you'll like her books); Harriet Stratemeyer Adams (aka Carolyn Keene) The mother of both Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys and the author who turned me into a lifelong mystery reader; Liza Cody (big fan of her Anna Lee series); Josephine Tey (her books are really timeless and there just aren't enough of them.)

Reader's Digest Wants Your Life

My parents were omnivorous readers and among the magazines that came into our house via subscription was Reader's Digest.  Don't mock, your parents probably had a subscription to Reader's Digest  too. It sat in the bathroom more often than on the coffee table with Time and Newsweek and EQMM, and Family Circle and McCalls. Long before USA Today mastered the art of the micro-article, they offered short, pithy articles on every topic under the sun.  (For some reason I seem to remember a lot of stories about plucky survivors of animal attacks, but that might just be selective memory.)

Reader's Digest is hosting a "Your Life" contest in which the best 150-word story posted on their Facebook page will win $25,000 and publication. Deadline is November 1st.  Details here.

Chuck Wendig Made Me Do It

I sat out last week's fiction challenge but this week, Chuck was back with one that was irresistible.  Guns. In a thousand words or less.  'Happiness is a warm gun," I thought, having just viewed Red on Netflix. And this nasty little story percolated up from the dismal swamp that is my imagination.

Check out Chuck Wendig's Terrible Minds blog  ("Must Love Guns") to see the other stories inspired by the prompt.

And here's my story:

GUN CONTROL

All the girls have a gimmick.

Charla’s got the snake, an albino ball python she raised as a pet right out of the egg. Ball pythons can live to be 30, so Slinky’s got another 15 good years left as a performer. Not Charla though. Nobody wants to look at a 40-year-old’s saggy tits.

Not that she’ll even make it to 30 the way she hits the pipe.

Rada shtick is “the dirty girl.” She never washes her ya-ya during the week, so by the weekend she’s built up a powerful stink. Men line up to dip their fingers in the poisoned honey of her rancid cunt, fumble all over themselves to pad her thong with their hard-earned cash.

Easy cum, easy go.

We’re not supposed to touch the customers unless we take them upstairs but Rada pays JoJo a cut and he looks the other way. Probably dips his fingers himself now and again. Probably considers it one of the perks of the job.

Mel’s gimmick is the body paint, which she mixes up special with little glittery bits thrown in so that when she peels down, she looks like that blue girl from the X-Men, the one who used to be married to John Stamos.
JoJo thought it was too weird at first but she convinced him to let her try it out and sure enough, the geeks from the university can’t get enough of her.

She’s so popular one of the girls over at the Pink Velvet tried to copy her style for awhile.

When she didn’t cease and desist after JoJo asked her politely, he sent Yusef to pay her a visit. Yusef thinks we’re all whores anyway so there wasn’t a lot of talking involved in their conversation.

She doesn’t dance any more. I think that’s a mistake. There are some real freaks out there, men who would enjoy looking a girl whose breasts have been sliced off. She could have made some serious money.

Some women have no imagination.

Men don’t come to a titty bar just to gawp at flesh. They can do that at home without the cover charge and the watered-down drinks. Even the paid porn sites have plenty of freebies, pictures and video clips and fetish trappings. When you’re at home, you can just rub one out when you get the urge. You can’t do that at a club.

Sure, some men have tried it here, but a quick word from Yusef usually convinced them to take it outside, or at least to the men’s room.

I think men come to the club as a way of convincing themselves—in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary—that they’re still the dominant sex on the planet.

And what’s the one thing men like playing with even more than their dicks?

Guns.

Men love guns.

That’s my gimmick.

I can’t dance for shit but the men love the guns.

I come out on stage like gun-whore Barbie, wrapped in bandoliers and strapped with holsters in all sorts of interesting places.

I writhe around for awhile and then fellate a Desert Eagle—always a crowd pleaser—and then finish off by firing a pair of Colt .45s hanging on either side of my g-string.

The crowd always goes nuts at that point.

They think I’m using blanks.

They’re wrong.

If they even notice the little puffs of powdered concrete when the bullets hit the back wall, they think it’s part of the show.

JoJo thinks I’m a crazy bitch and he’s right about that, but I’m the star attraction.

The audience eats it up.

Of course they do. It feels dangerous in a safe way, like fucking a crack whore while wearing a condom.

They’ll never see it coming whe day I aim to kill.

I’ll take Yusef out first—he’s the only one who might be fast enough to stop me.

The others? It’ll be just like target practice, only more fun.

My daddy taught me two things in life—how to give a decent blowjob and how to handle a gun.

“Gun control,” he used to tell me, “is hitting what you aim for.”

I was daddy’s good girl.

Getting Lucky with Google Alerts

I love Google Alerts.  I love having digests of news stories on topics of interest delivered to my email in box every day.  Sometimes the alerts are short-term, reminders so I won't forget an upcoming event (a book publication date) or  way of researching a specific project. What I love about Google Alerts is that even if you're careful about defining and refining your search terms, you can get some bizarro results.

Right now I have a Google Alert on Grimm, the upcoming NBC television series.  I don't watch a lot of television and I'm always missing shows that sound interesting because I forgot they were on. And if they're not on Hulu or CastTv, I'm cooked. And don't tell me to DV-R them.  To do that, you have to know when they're on in the first place.  Hence the Google Alert.

So I get my Grimm Google Alert today and it includes this news story roundup from August 9, 1911, an account of various goings on at the time, including a speech by a suffragette named Miss Harriet Grimm.  She stopped speaking when a dog fight erupted up the street, realizing that no one was listening to her.  (She had a sense of humor about it.)  I hope Miss Grimm lived to cast her first ballot.

Mystery Lovers' Kitchen Shrimp in Coconut-Lime Glaze

I love food.

I love mysteries.

I love blogs that talk about mysteries and food.  One of my favorites is the Mystery Lovers' Kitchen site where today's post is for this delectable-sounding Shrimp in Colonut-Lime Glaze.  Fire up your grill.
And thanks MJ!